More reality; but, also, reassurance

Today was rough! Exhausting! One thing I will say, though? I am determined to put point loads for those stairs; and the software SHOULD allow me to do that. It seems, though, that if there is anything causing the errors, it is those point loads, for me, in particular. They should be there, though! So, at least for me, they are going to be! It's tough slugging, though!

I have a lot to learn, designing floors; but I had a lot to learn when I began designing roofs! And I have learned it! To the point where I am more comfortable with roofs THAN floors! They were saying, today, though, that roof design is far more complicated than floor design. Good to know - it is just that I am feeling overwhelmed right now.

It made me think: I can just imagine what marriage is going to be like! I know - overwhelming! But - hey! So is over four decades of being alone! Also, I am determined to get it right - even if that involves risk! Even harrowing risk! Risk that scares the wits out of ME! Oh, well! When you've been waiting that long, you do NOT want to get it wrong! And - overwhelming though I know it will be - I am determined that it will be a dream come true; for her AND me!

See, when I had a significant other, I sure did make some mistakes; but I also gave her the royal treatment! Bringing her flowers at work... Her (male) work mates saying I was making the rest of them look bad... I did it right! That's the kind of man I am! I go all out! I look forward to someone being able to finally benefit from that.

I've been thinking: if someone were to write the story of my life, I could just see the reviews!

"Makes Samson look like saint..."
"Makes John Newton look like 'Bambie'..."
"Makes 'real character' look like 'Daffy Duck'..."
"And... "Makes 'exotic' look like... '51,733,291,156,460' '3,150,921', '2,033,886,216,566' '-268' '1,910,754,703,859'..."

Not that I want to "stand in the place of great men" - simply that I might as well enjoy the uniqueness of my journey! It has taken its toll! As it may have already shown in this post: I was really feeling exhausted and overwhelmed today - and I'm not married yet! And, yes, I am actually thankful for that, on one hand - but I remember a friend saying to me, "You're going to be like me one of these days - fourty, and unmarried..." I mean, that wasn't supposed to happen! It, however, is happenING! It does hurt! Even if I am sleeping "on the floor I've made"! It's still painful! I mean - I remember being thirty-ONE in South Korea, and "being mad" that I couldn't get married yet!

Well! I sure have learned not to "be mad" about not being married - but I still have to confess: this was NOT supposed to happen! I know! When you're already married, you might even be tempted to grow weary of it! My two cents, though? Please! Don't! Some people cannot seem to get there! I can't! At least not so far! NOT, though that I am desperate, or that I EVER will be! (Psalm XXXIV.10) For the same reason that I will never be offended! (Psalm CXIX.165)

Now? I find myself looking ahead, and not knowing where to go with my dreams except for "forward" - but then I try to tell people about what I am thinking! And, guess what! They're not exactly supportive! And I can even understand why! But how can I try and be somebody that I am not! I have TRIED to get to know people my age! OVER AND OVER! Seriously! Who has tried harder than me? I don't think many people have! I have been RELENTLESS! And, God? Abba? Please! Remember me! I have gone all the way! And I would like to posit that I have been a success! Winning the '70,768,771,650' '46' '-117,461,409,011', in particular, is a humbling reward for spending and being spent for other people, and, in particular, the children thou hast brought into my life. I put it all on the line for one, in particular - because I knew I simply had to. Countless people tried to talk me out of doing so, but I would not be deterred. I did NOT count my life precious; and I recall that Jesus said that he that loseth his life for his sake shall find it. God, thou hast said, "them that honour me, I will honour." I wait on thee to do as thou hast said, in Jesus' name, amen.

Daniel